Ugly Kid

Vejee was a huge University of Kentucky sports fan. Well, a huge basketball fan; the football team's enduring struggles kept Vejee lukewarm about the pigskin program. (Indeed, everybody loves a winner.) Vejee was so crazy about UK, in fact, that he asked another staff and I to shave the letters "UK" onto his head.

It was a routine event for us to cut the kids' hair from time to time. We would get out a set of Wahl clippers and go to work -- on the boys. The girls required hairdressers of superior skills to ours. But the boys would get our standard clipper cuts with fades.

So, when another staff and I got out the clippers for the present round of hair cuts, Vejee begged us to shave "UK" onto his head.

"Please, please, please, Mr. Brent," he implored

"Are you kidding me, why would you want that trash on your scalp?" asked Brent, my coworker, fellow Purdue University alum, and longtime friend who actually got me hired at the orphanage (which is a long story and to be addressed at a later time in this narrative).

"What are you talking about? UK is the most awesomest team in the world."

"No way. Purdue is."

"Purdue sucks."

"UK sucks."

"Whatever. UK rocks."

"Whatever."

"Just do it, please?"

"Only if you say Purdue is the best team in the world and UK sucks."

"No way."

"Okay, sorry then. No UK in your head."

"Oh, alright." Vejee rolled his eyes.

"I'm waiting."

Vejee rolled his eyes again, then whined, "Purdue rocks, UK doesn't."

"That's not exactly what I said," Brent replied, at which Vejee sighed. "But it's good enough."

***

"Ha, ha, ha!" I laughed and pointed at the back of Vejee's head when Brent completed his haircut. (Brent and I had planned a little trick on Vejee.)

"What? What are you laughing at, Mr. Dave?" Vejee implored. "What did Mr. Brent do?"

"Well, he didn't shave UK in the back of your head, that's what he didn't do."

"What? Are you kidding me? What did he put? What did he put?"

"You don't want to know."

"Yes I do! What is it?"

"Um, it looks like 'PU' to me, for Purdue University."

"What? Are you joking? Mr. Brent, what did you put on my head?"

"What do you think I put? I put PU there, just like Mr. Dave said," responded Brent. "I couldn't let you go around with that other crap on your head. That just wouldn't be right."

"Yeah, Mr. Brent did you a favor, young man," I added. "You'll get your butt kicked with that UK crap. Now you'll walk around with dignity and respect from others."

Vejee looked like he was about to cry.

"Here, take this mirror and go into the bathroom and check it out," Brent told Vejee. "You'll like what you see. I promise you."

***

"You guys are not funny!" Vejee shouted at us as he returned to the main living area, where our makeshift barber shop was set up.

We busted out laughing. Brent had actually shaved "UK" onto the back of Vejee's head. We just wanted to torture him for a bit.

"Yeah, but I still didn't shave the University of Kentucky into your head," said Brent.

"Yes, you did."

"Nope. It doesn't stand for that. The UK stands for 'ugly kid.'"

"Shut up. No it doesn't."

We laughed and pointed at Vejee. "Ha, ha, ugly kid, ugly kid!"

"Shut up."

"What?" asked Brent. "No 'thank you' for your haircut?"

"Yeah, Vejee," I chimed. "You at least owe Mr. Brent a 'thank you' for your haircut."

"Whatever."

"Geesh," I said. "You do these kids a favor and they just disrespect you. What a shame."

"No matter," Brent responded. "If you're not man enough to thank me for your haircut, at least I'll be man enough to say, 'You're welcome ... ugly kid.'"

And we laughed some more.

***

We played this game a few more minutes before Brent and I finally reassured Vejee that we were just kidding and that the UK indeed stood for the University of Kentucky. Vejee had a good sense of humor, so it really didn't bother him. We picked on him like a little brother, and he enjoyed it, in spite of his ostensible protests.

In fact, to this day Vejee, at age 22, still keeps in touch with us, calling Brent and I each nearly every day. And we still dish out the insults to one another. Vejee frequently jokes that he's going to buy my four-year-old son a UK jersey; I joke that I'll burn it. We laugh. It's all in good fun.

********

© 2007 David Lee Cummings